100.

The Original Jun Lozada Jokes

Uploaded in Batac March 11

jun-lozada-cp-270.jpg

By Frank A Hilario

Is Jun Lozada an original? So am I. The Jun Lozada affair is too serious a matter to be left to his admirers, advocates and guardian angels alone. This time, I’m coming out with 100 jokes - all original, except 1 - because nobody else is. Because the ground is hot, very hot. These are the times that fry men’s soles. You will see the joker is wild, his guardian angels are funny.

Jun Lozada says he seeks the truth – don’t they all? After all anti-GMA Jun Lozada has said and done, a lot has been unsaid and undone. This piece is all about the truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me laugh.

You laugh when suddenly you understand, and once you understand, that’s when a truth becomes a truth. Only in the dictionary does truth come before understanding. Noam Chomsky says, ‘It is the responsibility of intellectuals to speak the truth and expose the lies.’ This time I speak of the truth and expose the jokes, so that I may discover some other truth. You laugh because you have suddenly realized that the truth has become another truth.

According to Galileo Galilei, ‘All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.’ Me, I’d rather discover the joke. Otherwise, Georges Braque says, ‘Truth exists; only falsehood has to be invented.’ Jokes too.

Truman Capote says, ‘I don’t care what anybody says about me as long as it isn’t true.’ Duh. Dogen Zenji says, ‘If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?’ I'll find it in humor.

Gary Amirault says, ‘In this world, those who seek the truth will also find trouble.’ Me, I find funny. Elbert Hubbard says, ‘Live truth instead of professing it.’ But professing is easier.

Mahatma Gandhi says, ‘Truth resides in every human heart, and one has to search for it there, and to be guided by truth as one sees it. But no one has a right to coerce others to act according to his own view of truth.’ That's where Jun Lozada can be trying.

Abraham Lincoln says, “I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts.’ In the meantime, failing in that, I try and bring you the real jokers.

Like Jun Lozada, are you a seeker of truth? Here is a challenge to you: Gustave Flaubert says, ‘There is no truth. There is only perception.’ Remember that a joke is like that, a sudden paradigm shift.

(1)
During the Senate hearing, why do you think Jun Lozada cried?
Why?
Truth hurts.

(2)
Why did Jun Lozada spill the beans?
Why?
He didn’t like the cooking.

(3)
Jun Lozada says the students ‘want to squeeze the truth out of the NBN-ZTE deal’ (abs-cbnnews.com).
What does that mean?
Jun Lozada is saying the students can squeeze the truth only from Jun Lozada.
What does that make of Jun Lozada?
A fountain of wisdom.
And?
That’s an indictment of the schools.
Why is that?
It means the schools are incompetent to know the truth by themselves!

(4)
Did you hear the ‘noise barrage for truth’ by Catholic schools along Taft Avenue?
No.
I hope they don’t repeat that.
Why not?
We have enough noise coming from Jun Lozada already.

(5)
What is Jun Lozada trying to prove?
What?
That’s the problem – he’s not trying to prove anything!

(6)
Is Jun Lozada at home?
Yes. He’s sleeping.
If you’re telling the truth, he’s lying.

(7)
When Jun Lozada sought refuge at the La Salle High School in Greenhills last month, he asked that AMRSP nuns provide him security. The joke’s on him.
Why is that?
The nuns provide security to your soul, not your body.

(8)
Jun Lozada can’t renounce his Catholicism now.
Why not?
The nuns are guarding him.

(9)
Jaime JA Rivera (inquirer.net) calls Jun Lozada a ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing.’
You mean his guardian angels don’t recognize a wolf when they see one?
Not when he whistles!

(10)
Do you think Jun Lozada is telling the truth?
I don’t know.
Depends on how you define truth.
What are Jun Lozada’s criteria for what is the truth?
Good question!

(11)
Why do you think the nuns are guarding Jun Lozada?
Why?
So that he will find the truth, the way, and the life.
Is that the end of Jun Lozada?
It’s the beginning.

(12)
My wife calls Jun Lozada the Pied Piper.
Why is that?
He is the one luring the school children through his music.
Music is good for the soul.
Remember what happened in the original story: The children disappeared!
What do we need to do now?
Pray that this time the children will disappear – and come back, having learned their lesson.
What lesson?
He who pays the piper calls the tune.

(13)
Is Jun Lozada a hero?
Maybe.
Is Bonifacio a hero?
(Note: Only the Ilocanos will get this joke. Clue: The joke is best said by one boy to another when they are in the washroom.)

(14)
If it were a glass of water, how do you describe what Jun Lozada is saying as the truth?
Half a glass full.
What about the other half?
Half a glass empty.

(15)
Have you heard Jun Lozada sing?
I heard him singing what some call the ‘national anthem,’ ‘Bayan Ko.’
You’re wrong. He’s singing a different tune.

(16)
What you have heard so far from Jun Lozada, does it all make any sense?
It does.
Be careful now. Mark Twain says, ‘It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.’

(17)
If the majority are thinking that Jun Lozada is telling the truth, then I don’t want to be on their side.
Why is that?
I’m playing safe. ‘Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side’ (Anonymous).

(18)
Jun Lozada says he’s not calling for GMA’s ouster in his campus tours (abs-cbnnews.com).
No?
No. He’s calling for her ouster in his off-campus tours.

(19)
Why do you think young girls swoon over Jun Lozada?
Why?
Young girls believe lies when you tell them.

(20)
Jun Lozada squealed. What do you make of him?
A pig?
No, a rat. He jumped off ship. He thought the ship was sinking.

(21)
Jun Lozada is a poor teacher himself.
What do you mean?
I mean, if you want to teach, don’t preach. Just do it!
Jun Lozada swears he’s telling the truth.
That’s not the point of the whole exercise at all.
What’s the point?
Don’t forget that the purpose of the Senate inquiry is ‘in aid of legislation.’
So do they have a proposed legislation yet?
They have. Thanks to Jun Lozada, half of those Senators are proposing to legislate GMA out!

(22)
Jun Lozada says he never dreamed of being a politician (Margaux Ortiz & Gil Cabacungan, inquirer.net).
What do you think he’s doing now?
Well, he must be dreaming now.

(23)
Alvin Capino is saying Jun Lozada is nothing but a politician in disguise (manilastandardtoday.com).
He has something to hide?
No. Jun Lozada has nothing to hide. He’s exposing himself!

(24)
Jun Lozada himself is a steal.
Did he steal millions?
He’s stealing millions of attention.

(25)
Jun Lozada says nobody funds his campus visits and provincial tours.
You mean he’s not paying for his fare, board and lodging?
No. They are all taken care of – they’re all free.
What does that make him?
A freeloader.

(26)
Jun Lozada says he goes to the schools free because the administrators and students invite him to speak.
What does that mean, he is corrupting the students?
First, he has to corrupt the school administrators.

(27)
I read that the President of PUP cancelled the second campus visit of Jun Lozada.
What does that mean?
That Jun Lozada doesn’t tell all.

(28)
Fr Reuter tells us it was 12 simple folks who brought the gospel to the people. Is Jun Lozada a simple folk?
He seems to be.
It doesn’t matter. He’s not trying to bring us the good news. He’s only trying to bring us the bad news.

(29)
Adrienne Rich says when a woman tells the truth she is creating the possibility of more truth around her.
What do we make of that?
Well, Jun Lozada is not a woman.

(30)
Why are not the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) supporting Jun Lozada’s call for the resignation of GMA?
Vatican told them not to?
Because the CBCP know that the political truth is different from the moral truth.
What’s the difference?
The moral truth is more or less clear; the political truth is more or less.

(31)
Jun Lozada is willing to renounce his faith because he thinks the CBCP is indifferent to truth and justice the way he sees it.
Why?
Perhaps the CBCP know that if the blind leads the blind, they will both fall into the ditch.

(32)
Adrienne Rich says ‘False history gets made all day, any day / the truth of the new is never on the news.’
What are you trying to say?
Didn’t you see that? Jun Lozada is on the news.

(33)
Alfred North Whitehead says, ‘There are no whole truths; all truths are half-truths. It is trying to treat them as whole truths that plays the devil.’
What does that make of the whole truth that Jun Lozada is claiming?
Half-truth.

(34)
I feel two ways about Jun Lozada.
Why is that?
I believe Jun Lozada when he says he is still seeking the truth. At the same time, I believe him when he says he has already found it.

(35)
I admire Jun Lozada.
Why is that?
‘You always admire what you really don’t understand’ (Blaise Pascal).

(36)
Why did the AMRSP Sisters hide Jun Lozada?
They sympathized with him?
Because he couldn’t hide himself.

(37)
Why couldn’t Jun Lozada hide himself?
Because he had become a public figure?
Because he couldn’t stop talking.

(38)
Why couldn’t Jun Lozada stop talking?
Why?
He couldn’t contain himself.

(39)
Thomas Jefferson says, ‘It is error alone which needs the support of Government. Truth can stand by itself.’
What does that mean?
Government doesn’t need Jun Lozada.

(40)
Oscar Wilde says, ‘A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.’
What if Jun Lozada swears by it?
Depends on whether he is man or mouse.

(41)
How many families does Jun Lozada have?
Two?
One, according to both his families.

(42)
If you were Jun Lozada, what would you say?
I love my families.

(43)
Why did Jun Lozada come back from Hongkong?
Why?
He missed his families.

(44)
What makes Jun Lozada a hero?
What?
He better be a hero, otherwise he’s a heel!

(45)
Why is Jun Lozada talking now?
Why?
Actually, he’s been talking since he was 3 years old.

(46)
Is it true that every time you tell a lie, your nose grows longer?
I don’t know. I never told a lie.
Not true, Pinocchio. I don’t see Jun Lozada’s nose growing longer.

(47)
Who taught Jun Lozada how to lie?
Who?
Jun Lozada probably. He’s a good teacher.
Why do you say that?
He says that himself. He’s making the rounds of schools, teaching them, and the students like him, he says.

(48)
Why did Jun Lozada go to Hongkong?
To shop?
Shopping for Truth?

(49)
Jun Lozada says he’s eager to get back to his normal life (abs-cbnnews.com).
So why is he touring the campuses instead?
He suddenly realized he likes the celebrity side of the truth.

(50)
Why did Jun Lozada become President of Philippine Forest?
Why?
He wanted to go to the hills.

(51)
Why did Jun Lozada want to go to the hills?
Why?
To count how many hectares he had so far.

(52)
Why did Jun Lozada want to count how many hectares he had so far?
Why?
He wanted to plant jatropha.
Isn’t jatropha a wild plant?
Jun Lozada has wild ideas.

(53)
Did Jun Lozada assign government lands to his relatives?
Maybe he did.
He didn’t. He told his assistant to do it.

(54)
Jun Lozada’s hands themselves were dirty, yes?
It looks like that, yes.
Yes. He had his hands full of dirt. He worked in the forest.

(55)
The hands of the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee are dirty themselves.
They’re digging the facts.
No. They’re digging the dirt.

(56)
Why did Jun Lozada implicate Benjamin Abalos and Romulo Neri in the ZTE scandal?
Why?
He couldn’t implicate himself.

(57)
The University of Santo Tomas is proud Jun Lozada is a UST graduate.
What’s wrong with that?
I’m thinking of pride before the fall.

(58)
Jun Lozada went to Saudi Arabia as an IT engineer. He made a lot of money.
What happened?
He is in his wrong calling now!

(59)
Manuel Luis Quezon wanted our country to be run like hell by Filipinos, and that’s what we’re doing.
You don’t mean that.
I mean Jun Lozada is giving Government hell!

(60)
Shouldn’t Jun Lozada be blaming Quezon for the ills of our country?
Should he?
Quezon wanted a country run like hell by Filipinos, and that’s exactly what we’re having.
But don’t we have the best growth in the country since 31 years ago, since the 1970s?
Yes, but look what Congress is doing, especially the Senate – they’re trying to eliminate the Executive.
Can you blame them? Most of them are anti-GMA.
Yes, because they’re not giving GMA hell – they’re giving the people hell!

(61)
Jimmy Breslin says ‘Truth is the strongest weapon in war’ (commondreams.org).
That’s why Jun Lozada is coming out with the truth?
Breslin and Lozada are both wrong. The strongest weapon in war is peace.
I don’t understand.
Exactly! Jun Lozada doesn’t understand either.

(62)
Jun Lozada wants us to differentiate between serving political masters and serving the people (susanople.com). And yes, he was practicing what he was preaching.
What do you mean?
I heard on TV that when he was President of PhilForest, he was serving his own people. He was assigning forest lands to his own relatives.

(63)
Jun Lozada’s hero is Jose Rizal.
He must feel heroic in what he’s doing.
Does he know what happened to his hero in the end?

(64)
In an interview with Susan Ople, Jun Lozada says they don’t know his fondness for Rizal.
What does that mean?
I know Rizal was fond of courting disaster.

(65)
Jun Lozada is imitating Rizal.
Rizal lambasted the powers-that-be in the Noli.
What will happen to Jun Lozada?
It has already happened: he has become a hero in people’s eyes.
And then what?
And then, like Rizal, his friends will abandon him
.

(66)
Jun Lozada loves to read books (gmanews.tv).
So?
He must love fiction.

(67)
One of Jun Lozada’s favorite books is Francis Fukuyama’s The End Of History And The Last Man.
Oh?
But he doesn’t believe Fukuyama.
Why do you say that?
Jun Lozada is trying to rewrite history.

(68)
Ducky Paredes of Malaya writes that what Jun Lozada has done so far is all show.
Is Ducky right?
No, it’s all tell, no show.

(69)
Jun Lozada says he cannot tell a complete lie.
Oh?
He can only tell half of it.

(70)
Why is Jun Lozada contradicting himself?
Why?
‘No man,’ says Abraham Lincoln, ‘has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.’
Where’s the joke in that?
The joke’s on you!

(71)
Why is Jun Lozada touring the country?
In search of the truth?
He’s searching in the wrong place.
Why is that?
The truth is in Malacañang.

(72)
Jun Lozada says he is touring the campuses because, he says, ‘I want the youth, the students, to acquire the concern for their country’ (abs-cbnnews.com).
What does that mean?
He is saying the schools have not been teaching the students concern for their country!

(73)
Jun Lozada says he has been ‘eluding questions from the students regarding President Arroyo’ (abs-cbnnews.com).
What does he mean by that?
He knows nothing about GMA?

(74)
The nuns of the Association of Major Religious Superiors of the Philippines (AMRSP) are serving as bodyguards to Jun Lozada during his public appearances.
What does that mean?
Jun Lozada doesn’t trust the public?

(75)
Raul F Alejandrino, President of the College Faculty Association (CFA) of Miriam College, writes for the CFA: ‘As we told Ninoy Aquino, we want to assure him too: ‘Hindi ka nag-iisa’ (You’re not alone) and ‘Filipinos are worth dying for’’ (inquirer.net).
Isn’t that reassuring?
That’s funny. Telling Jun Lozada ‘Filipinos are worth dying for’ – either they’re trying to encourage him or discourage him!

(76)
Either Jun Lozada is a fool, or he’s a liar.
Why do you say that?
Samuel Butler says, ‘Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to know how to lie well.’

(77)
Jun Lozada remembers everything, so I think he’s lying.
Why do you say that?
Mark Twain says, ‘If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.’

(78)
Since Jun Lozada opened his mouth, I don’t open the newspaper anymore.
And why is that?
Mark Twain says, ‘If you don’t read the newspaper, you are (only) uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.’

(79)
Aren’t you bothered that Jun Lozada says he easily found the answers to his questions?
Why should I?
According to Michael Friedlander, ‘There are many more wrong answers than right ones, and they are easier to find.’

(80)
Why do you think some people are mesmerized by what Jun Lozada is saying?
I have no idea.
Because it’s beautiful to them.
Oh?
Careful now. According to Ralph Waldo Emerson, ‘Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.’

(81)
If Jun Lozada is telling the truth, he must be lying.
Why is that?
According to Stephen King, ‘Fiction is the truth inside the lie.’

(82)
I think Jun Lozada is Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Why do you think that?
He says he is seeking the truth; he also says he is holding the truth.
You mean like night and day?
I mean like black and white.

(83)
I think we should thank Jun Lozada that he has divided this country.
Why do you say that?
According to Adrian Rodgers, ‘It is better to be divided by truth than to be united in error.’

(84)
I think what Jun Lozada is saying is somehow true.
I think so too.
Ah, I got you there! Benjamin Franklin says, ‘Half a truth is often a great lie.’

(85)
If you knew the truth about what Jun Lozada is saying, you will be angry.
Why is that?
According to Aldous Huxley, ‘Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.’

(86)
I’m not concerned Jun Lozada is talking to schoolgirls.
Why not?
If the girls know what’s good for them, they will see through him.
How?
His logic is bad. I'm assuming, of course, that their schools teach the schoolgirls good logic.

(87)
How can one say Jun Lozada’s logic is bad?
How?
He says he’s looking for the truth and at the same he knows it already. I'm assuming, of course, that he knows what he's saying.

(88)
Why should you believe Jun Lozada is telling the truth?
Why?
You don’t know the truth!

(89)
Why are Filipinos so bothered about Jun Lozada’s revelations?
Why?
Because the mass media have sensationalized it all.
So are the mass media to blame for all the hullaballoo?
No, the people who believe the media.
So, are we all fools then, or dummies?
I differentiate, my friend. Fools are those who believe the half-truths being broadcast and the half-lies being published. Dummies can’t tell the difference.

(90)
Do you think the revelations of Jun Lozada about the First Gentleman will give rise to People Power against GMA?
Do you?
No. It would be like Judas calling for the crucifixion of a substitute Christ.

(91)
Since you can’t stop Jun Lozada from talking, I know he’s not telling the truth.
What kind of logic is that?
According to Tom Waits, ‘The folks who know the truth aren’t talking. The ones who don’t have a clue, you can’t shut them up!’

(92)
The Governor of Cebu Province says Jun Lozada isn’t welcome there.
Why is that?
He talks too much!

(93)
Jun Lozada is making the rounds of schools.
Why do you seem so concerned about that?
He is not a true teacher.
Why do you say that?
‘The true teacher defends his pupils against his own personal influence’ (Amos Bronson Alcott).
In other words?
The true teacher teaches the student how to think, not what to think.
If not?
If not, we have students who are merely parrots – they simply mouth what they have been told.
That is terrible!
That’s why it’s dangerous if he keeps visiting the schools in his own way.
What to do then with Jun Lozada?
Let’s put up a scholarship fund and encourage him to go to all the schools he wants – to learn how to teach.

(94)
Jun Lozada is opening the door of truth for the students.
What’s wrong with that?
He is telling them to enter the open door.
I don’t see anything wrong with that either.
That makes him a bad teacher. ‘Teachers open the door. You enter by yourself’ (Chinese proverb).

(95)
On the other hand, Jun Lozada can be a good teacher.
How?
First, he can learn more about truth. He can learn that ‘Every truth has four corners: as a teacher I give you one corner, and it is for you to find the other three’ (Chinese proverb).

(96)
On the other hand, I think Jun Lozada is a bad teacher.
Why is that?
He doesn’t know history.
Why do you say that?
He doesn’t teach by example. ‘History is philosophy teaching by examples’ (Viscount Bolingbroke).

(97)
On the other hand, I think Jun Lozada is a good teacher.
Why do you think that?
When he speaks, he projects himself as frank and honest. ‘Teaching is truth mediated by personality’ (Phyllis Brooks).

(98)
On the other hand, I know that Jun Lozada is a bad teacher.
Why do you say that?
He doesn’t work anymore; he’s a teacher now. ‘He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches’ (George Bernard Shaw).

(99)
On the other hand, I know that Jun Lozada is a good teacher.
Why do you say that?
He panders to the media. ‘Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater’ (Gail Godwin).

(100)
Why do I seem to know much about teaching?
Why indeed?
I’m a certified Teacher; I passed the Teacher’s Exam with a grade of 80.6%. I’m also a wide reader. I’ve taught from Agronomy to World History, high school and college, from Asingan High School to Xavier University to UP Los Baños.
So?
I can teach anyone how to teach.
Can you teach Jun Lozada?
I can’t. He knows too much already!

Bonus:
According to Jun Lozada, according to Susan Ople (susanople.com), Rizal learned in Europe that the Filipinos were poor and exploited because they didn’t have the chance to govern themselves rightly.
And?
And Rizal turned out to be a poor teacher himself.
Why do you say that?
Like Lozada, he was only good at denouncing Government.
Rizal was like Lozada is?
Birds of a feather flock together.
What do you mean Rizal denounced Government?
Remember, in those times the friars were Government. Read the Noli Me Tangere again; it’s a diatribe from beginning to end. Just like Jun Lozada’s tirades.
I thought Rizal was a gentleman.
I thought Jun Lozada was a gentleman too.

To those who seek the truth about what Jun Lozada has been saying, and not saying, let me remind you of a simple guide to behavior that 1.2 million people worldwide follow, the members of the Rotary Club. In case you’ve forgotten or you didn’t know, this is The Rotary 4-Way Test:

Of the things we think, say or do:
1. Is it the TRUTH?
2. Is it FAIR to all concerned?
3. Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER FRIENDSHIPS?
4. Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?

What are the Rotarians saying? Truth is not all there is to life; there is fairness, there is goodwill, there is friendship, there is social good – all taken together, not separate. Above all, if you profess to be a Christian, don’t forget that Christ points not only to the truth and nothing but the truth, but to the truth, the way, and the life. Jun Lozada insists he is only after the truth, so his life is half-empty.

What did Samuel Butler say? ‘Truth is generally kindness, but where the two diverge and collide, kindness should override truth.’ Eddie Cantor says, ‘Truth or tact? You have to choose. Most times they are not compatible.’ Lao Tzu says, ‘The highest truth cannot be put into words.’ (No pun intended.) What Jun Lozada has been trying to do is put truth into mass action. What I have been trying to do is put truth into jokes as a mass reaction.

On second thought, is Jun Lozada saying he will be the proverbial irresistible force to move the immovable object? He must be joking!

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