Love is multiple orgasms, Dr Agnes Bueno says

Revised 05 March 2010 at 1411 hours
MANILA - Not looking sensational, not looking sexy, but looking serious, she shocks the Philippine Society for the Study of the Aging Male with her bold & bare pronouncement. Greek Agnes, pure; Spanish Bueno, good. You can’t have it better than that.

4 March 2010, and I am a guest of Dr Antonio Oposa Sr at Club Filipino at the PhiSSAM’s 9th Convention; we are guests of Dr Mary Anne Lim Abrahan. I learn from their readability-conscious 1-sheet printout, 3-fold, large-font program that the society has 4 objectives:

* Project and identify the most important issues that affect both “Life Expectancy” and “Health Expectancy” of the aging male.

* Promote awareness of men’s health concerns and problems to both physicians and the lay public.

* Promote healthy aging, prevent and/or reduce morbidity and disability of the elderly so as to allow men to age with dignity and good health.

Promote a holistic approach to the management of the aging male.

PhiSSAM is affiliated with the International Society for the Study of the Aging Male, ISSAM. We arrive late. Dr Mary Anne Lim Abrahan has already said her welcome remarks, and Dr Yvonne Vanessa D Chua has just finished her presentation on “Periodontal Medicine in the Aging Male: The Mouth-Body Connection.” What you eat is what you are? What goes in is what comes out.

Then Dr Lauro Abrahan talks about “Avoiding Injuries in the Aging Male.” You can’t be too careful when age catches up with you. Fall prevention should be a preoccupation of the family of the aging male.

The panel of Norberto G Martinez, Raul Quillamor and Agnes Bueno tackles “Sexuality and Fertility in the Aging Male.” There is much talk about erectile dysfunction, but I’m not making it public here!

This convention has this theme: “Hail the Aging Male! MABUHAY ANG hARI!” written exactly like that. The last 3 words you can rely on the Tagalog male to come up with. I notice it: hARI gives an exaggerated importance to the male sexual organ. It’s a clever combination of small case and big case - HARI is the kingness; ARI is the maleness. The maleness of the species is superior to the femaleness of the species.

Dr Bueno notices it, of course. The trouble with you males is that you are so penile-oriented, Dr Bueno says matter-of-factly. Did she just say “penile-obsessed?” She has been paying attention like no one has to the affair of the hearts. It is the problem of the man, she says clinically, to satisfy the woman in a successful sexual intercourse. If he hasn’t realized that, Dr Bueno is implying, young or old, the male is not a worthy companion. Don’t look at me.

“The male,” Dr Bueno says, “is largely ignorant of female sexuality. It is a relationship problem. You have to admit that women are more sexual than men.” She is not asking the male doctors’ opinion. I’m not a doctor, but I admit I didn’t realize that. The female is really multiple-orgasmic, so penile entry is not that important if it is not possible. I’ve been married 42 years and I did not know that. (This male of the species wasn’t prepared for such an exciting encounter with such a female of the species, so I cannot quote Dr Bueno directly all the time; I may be putting words into her mouth.)

Men have to learn “how to play sexually,” she says. “This is important.” I know that. One of the doctors asks what is the proper number of sexual encounters to be a good love companion, and her Rx is: “Once a day.” She makes you feel that as a husband, if you can’t do it every single day, you’re a sexual failure. But then she follows that up with, “Minimum 3 times a week.” Even that, I know, at 69 it’s a hard act to follow!

“It’s a learning problem,” Dr Bueno says. “And the best person to teach the man is the woman who is willing to teach you how to please her.” I’m sure I got her right this time.

She runs 2 clinics, one psychological and the other one sexual. “I like to call myself a clinical human sexologist,” she says. She mentions that it is not easy to solve the sexual problems of married couples, not to mention the unmarried. About married couples consulting her, “they have to fight in front of me,” she says. That’s when the hurtful words come out, the hurtful truth comes out.

Dr Bueno says that one needs to master the skill of interviewing couples for the sad truth to come out; she says that it takes 3-5 years to become good at it. I can appreciate that; I am a writer who does an interview that doesn’t look or sound like an interview - it’s just you talking and I am listening, and I’m a good listener. You have to make the other fellow feel relaxed, at home wherever you are, at peace with the world - that’s how you get to get him to put his guard down; that’s how the best & true stories come out.

That’s how the clinical truth surprises come out. Like, Dr Bueno says:

Here we are, the husband and the wife are blaming each other for failure to have a child, and then you slowly find out, to your horror, that in the last 6 months, they have not had any single successful sexual encounter at all!

As a matter of fact, the use of the condom is mentioned. The general consensus I gather is that the prophylactic is most of the time a bother, sometimes a health threat. One doctor says something to the effect that there is no guarantee that this piece of rubber delivers on its promise. Another one mentions a case where that thing was left inside the female orifice. Yuk.

You can ask me. Nobody mentions family planning there, so I will mention it here. When I had only 6 children (1 wife, no extra-curricular activity), an American friend asked, half-jokingly, what was the matter with me. “Why, you never heard of family planning?” And I replied, faster than lightning, “Of course I have. In fact, I plan to have 12!” And as it turned out, I have 12 children, if you have to ask. Be careful what you wish for, you might get it!

I know that Secretary of Health Esperanza Cabral caused the distribution of free condoms to those who bought flowers as the Department of Health’s “Valentine’s Day drive against the spread of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus-Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (HIV-AIDS)” (Dona Pazzibugan, I also know that Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz said of it:

“It is vulgar, it is lewd, it is gross. To what extent would they entice young people to be promiscuous? How far are they willing to go in promoting illegitimate carnal relations?”

With or without flowers, free or not, I know the condom is not a holistic approach to the management of HIV-AIDS. And I know Bishop Emeritus Teodoro Bacani said about what Cabral did:

“Could she do that to her own children, give them flowers and condoms? Isn’t that despicable? Is that the way to help prevent HIV-AIDS, or is that a way of encouraging pre-marital sex or illegitimate sex, which is the cause of the increase in HIV-AIDS cases?”

Don’t look at my wife. Love is woman; she is not a sex toy. Love is multiple orgasms, not multiple & free condoms. I did, I tried the rhythm method; it didn’t work with me; I was not going to be denied. Pills? I didn’t like the prospects of side-effects. I tried the condoms too; I didn’t like any of them; I have feelings, you know. Love is a liquid feeling that seeks its own level. Damn if I’m going to let that thing get in the way of love again.

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